You Are My World
by seattlegracegirl
Summary: *Warning - Contains potential spoilers from the Spring trailer* From Bernie bursting through the door to the roof. Not sure if this is going to be left as a one-shot or continued. This is what ended up spilling out into the page when I just couldn't seem to settle into writing the rather fun and fluffy next installment of S&S.


Bernie slammed into the door, ignoring the pain as she connected with the metal. Stumbling forward as it flew open, she scanned the rooftop for any sign of Serena. What she found stopped the very breath in her lungs.

Serena was at the very edge of the roof space, leaning against the railing. But what really terrified Bernie, was the fact that Serena was on the wrong side of the railing.

"Serena," she breathed, her voice trembling.

The brunette gave no indication that she had heard, swaying perilously against the railing.

"Serena," Bernie repeated louder, still getting no response. She looked back to where Morven and Fletch stood in the doorway, holding up a hand to signal for them to wait where they were, not wanting to chance spooking Serena. Taking a breath, she took slow, measured steps forward until she too stood by the railing a few feet away from the other woman but certain she would at least be in her periphery. "I'm here, my love."

She managed a shaky smile as Serena finally turned to face her, her eyes red and swollen, tears streaming down her face. "I don't feel like I am. I shouldn't be."

Bernie shook her head, tears in her own eyes. "Don't say that. Please."

"I don't feel like me. I just feel _empty,_ " wailed Serena, the words painful as they tore from her throat. "And it's not getting any easier. It's not getting any better, and I can't keep pretending." She turned away from the blonde, defeat clear in her tone and posture. "Even Jason doesn't want to be around me. Says I'm not the same person."

"I want to be around you," said Bernie, honestly. She glanced back to the open doorway where Hanssen and what looked like half the hospital security team had now joined Morven and Fletch. Ignoring their audience, and what would undoubtedly going to be a severe dressing down if not written warning for lack of adhering to protocol and safety guidelines in these situations, before climbing over the railing herself. She carefully stepped sideways until she was shoulder to shoulder with the woman she loved.

"What are you doing?" Hissed Serena, her eyes flickering to where the blonde stood before dropping down to look at the ground below them.

Bernie ignored the question. "I always want to be around you. And you may not be the same person, but none of us are. Life throws up things that change us, in little ways, big ways, sometimes in ways we can scarce even imagine." She waited until Serena turned her head to face her before gently resting her hand atop the brunette's where it gripped the cold metal of the railing between them. "It's okay to not cope. For a little while, for a long while. But however long it takes, even if it's forever, I'm here. Right here. And I am not running away."

"What if I'm always like this?"

"I've never stopped loving you, Serena," breathed Bernie. "Not for one second. I love the very bones of you, and whatever happens, I'm here."

"But I'm awful. I feel awful. I've been awful to everyone, driving them away" she sobbed, her chest heaving. "And I can't stop."

The blonde shook her head. "No. You haven't been awful, you've been hurting."

"But Jason hates me..."

"Jason is struggling to understand, is all," said Bernie. "Grieving isn't something he can predict or control or that fits into his schedule, and that makes it hard for him. He doesn't hate you any more than I do."

Serena took deep gulping breaths, trying to halt her sobs. "I just...I love him like he was my own, and I feel like...I feel like I'm losing him too."

Bernie could feel Serena trembling next to her, and was becoming increasingly concerned that this and the sobs wracking her body were making her altogether too unsteady to be standing on such a thin ledge. Taking a deep breath, her life and probably career in her hands, Bernie turned and repositioned herself on the railing so that her own feet were planted either side of Serena's and she tightly gripped the railing to ether side of the brunette's waist, their bodies pressed together.

"What are you doing?" Exclaimed Serena once again, her eyes wide as she looked up at Bernie.

"Being here for you. Like I always will be whether you ask me to or not, whether you want me to or not." replied the blonde, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm not letting go, Serena. You don't need to pretend with me. It's never going to be easy, but I'm in it with you all the way."

"I love you," whispered Serena, burying her head in the Bernie's shoulder, letting go of the railing behind her and wrapping her arms around the blonde's waist, putting her trust in her completely.

"And I love you," replied Bernie fiercely. "Every single bit of you." She waited patiently before speaking again, giving Serena time to allow her breathing to slow and even out once more. "Are you ready to go home?" She felt the brunette nod against her shoulder. "Come on then, you first, your big macho army medic bringing up the rear." She was glad when her words brought the ghost of a smile fluttering briefly across the other woman's face.

She glanced towards the open doorway, where she found only Morven, Fletch and Hanssen now standing, security obviously having been dismissed. At her nod, Hanssen approached, coming to stand beside them on the other side of the railing, taking hold of the brunette's arm as Bernie helped her to turn on the ledge and carefully climb over the barrier until her feet were firmly on the rooftop once more.

Serena immediately reached back for the blonde, who caused everyone to hold their breath in her own rather hurried and inelegant clambering over the barrier to reach Serena. The brunette curled into Bernie's side, glancing at the trio gathered around them. "I'm sorry."

"I don't think there is a need for any apologies, Serena," said Hanssen softly. "Grief is a strange and terrible creature to have to wrestle with. Please know, however, that whatever you need, we are all here for you." He shifted his gaze to the blonde woman wrapped protectively around Serena. "Both of you. Now, I think a cup of sweet tea might be in order, and then you can both head home and take what time you need."

Fletch smiled softly, giving Serena's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'll get the kettle on."

"And I'll raid the biscuit tin for something chocolatey," added Morven, forcing a smile.

Serena remained burrowed into Bernie's side as they made their way back down to AAU, her body tight and tense against her. She stole glances at Fletch, Morven and Hanssen, registering the relief on their faces. It hadn't occurred to her, really, quite how much she had scared them. Finally, she glanced up, her eyes settling on Bernie's tear streaked face.

She had heard the terror and pain in her own voice reflected in the blonde's, but also the absolute surety in her voice when she had said she wasn't going anywhere. She had pushed and pushed, but Bernie hadn't moved. She was still there, had promised she always would be.

* * *

Serena watched in silence as Bernie opened the passenger door of her car, helping her to climb inside before leaning in to buckle her seatbelt for her. The blonde pressed a kiss to cheek before closing the door and walking around the car, climbing in the driver's side. Pulling the door closed, she reached for her own seatbelt, buckling up before resting her hands on the steering wheel and just...sitting.

The other woman had barely said a word since leaving the rooftop. When Hanssen had led them back to their shared office on AAU, she had merely accepted it without question when Serena had sat herself in her lap and pulled her arms around her waist. The Swede had reassured both of them that they were to take what time was needed, and he would oversee the ward until one or both of them was ready to step back in, and deal with the necessary fall out of the morning's events.

After extracting a promise from Serena that she would speak to her psychiatrist about changing her therapy regime, and perhaps including Bernie and Jason in this rather than seeking to push them away, Hanssen had let her go. It was, of course, on the silent understanding that the only reason she wasn't being admitted to psych and put on suicide watch was due to the fact that she was being released into Bernie's care. She knew the criteria for being sectioned, and was well aware she fell well into the category of being a danger to herself.

"I want to be able to promise you that it'll all be better," whispered Bernie, tears gathering in her eyes. "But I can't." She turned to Serena, her lip quivering. "The only promise I can give you is that I'm here. It's not much, but it's all I have, Serena. I'm here and I love you."

Bernie wished she was a better person. A person more capable of being a functioning adult. A person who was perhaps worthy of being someone's reason to live. She desperately hoped she might be. Might have grown into that person, but she was also terrified that she hadn't. She had talked Serena down today. But what about tomorrow?

Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as she tried to blink back tears. She could feel herself trembling with the effort of containing her sobs, and tried desperately to hold it together. Serena needed her to hold it together.

The brunette watched as the blonde fought tears, could see her physically shaking. She reached out and covered the hand closest to her on the steering wheel with her own, squeezing. "Bernie, I...I'm sorry."

Bernie shook her head, tears trickling down her cheeks. "Don't be sorry."

"But I am," said Serena. "I don't want to leave you. I just...I'm not sure how I go on from here. I think I'm finally getting somewhere, getting a hold on how to cope...and then it all comes crashing down again and I feel like I'm drowning."

Bernie finally released her hold on the steering wheel, turning as best she could in her seat and taking both of Serena's hands in her own as she took a few deep breaths. "Well, if you don't want to leave me and I don't want to leave you, then why don't we start with that?" She ignored the hitched in her voice, higher pitched than usual.

Serena nodded, tears in her own eyes once more.

"I know I can hardly talk about opening up and communicating, but I need you to at least let me be there for you," said the blonde, choosing her words very carefully. "We don't need to talk, if you don't feel up to it, or if you can't find the words, but you need to let me be there."

The brunette nodded once again. "I'm not used to having someone I can depend on."

"I know," said Bernie, squeezing the hands in her own. "And I know I haven't always acted in ways that would make you want to trust me, Serena, but I hope you know that I've changed. For you. Because of you. I don't want you to be scared that I might run away if you're honest with me, because I won't. I'm here for you, and I want you to know that you can take whatever you need from me. If you're angry, rage at me. If you need a good cry, my shoulder is yours. If you just want to sit quietly with radio 4 on, I'll suffer the bloody Archers!"

Serena managed a smile through her tears. "You really do love me, don't you?"

"I really do," said the blonde, finding her own smile. She leant forward and pressed a soft, salty kiss to the brunette's slightly parted lips. "Now," she breathed, resting their foreheads together. "How about we head home, close the curtains and block out the rest of the world and curl up on the couch?"

"Just you and me?"

"Just you and me," confirmed Bernie. "The rest of the world can wait until you're ready."


End file.
